SPORTS

DETROIT LIONS (DETROIT)
THE LIONS. THE DETROIT MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN LIONS. THE BANE OF MY FAMILY. GENERATIONS RUINED BY A LOYALTY TO AN ORGANIZATION FOREVER UNDONE BY AN UTTERLY MALEVOLENT AND IRRESISTIBLE INCOMPETENCE. WE LOVE THEM AND WE FUCKING DESPAIR

THE ONLY FUCKING TIME MY OLD MAN EVER EXPRESSES ANY HOPE OR OPTIMISM IS WHEN FOOTBALL SEASON APPROACHES. "HEY THEYRE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD THIS YEAR. WHO KNOWS?" WHO KNOWS? I FUCKING KNOW AND IVE ONLY BEEN WATCHING THIS FUCKING TEAM HALF AS LONG AS HE HAS. SIX WEEKS INTO THE SEASON THOUGH HE FINALLY GETS IT. THE LIONS DO SOME DUMB SHIT AND HES BACK TO HIS POSTGAME RITUAL OF TRASHING THE PLACE IN A MOTHERFUCKING RAGE AND GOING TO BED AT 5PM

POPS ONCE TOLD ME WITH AN INFUCKINGEXPRESSABLY SAD SERIOUSNESS "I WONT REST IN PEACE UNTIL THE LIONS WIN A SUPER BOWL. I MAY BE DEAD WHEN IT HAPPENS BUT WHEN THEY WIN ONE ILL KNOW." SERIOUSLY HE TOLD ME THAT SHIT ONCE. AND THATS WHY I WILL DESPISE MATT MILLEN UNTIL MY DYING BREATH. MATT MILLEN STOLE EIGHT YEARS FROM MY FATHER. EIGHT LONG YEARS. AND IF I EVER SEE THAT EMIL MUZZ LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER IM GONNA COLLECT THAT DEBT TO THE FUCKING SECOND

FUCKING LIONS. A TEAM SO FUCKING SHITTY THAT IT MADE AN ARMY FIRST LIEUTENANT SAY FUCK IT I QUIT. WE LEVERAGE LEAGUE LEADERS INTO LOSING SEASONS AND ALLTIME GREATS INTO TOTAL MEDIOCRITY. WE REFLECT OUR CITYS DYSFUNCTION MISMANAGEMENT MISERY AND PIGHEADED STUPIDITY LIKE A FUCKING MIRROR AND WE ALWAYS KID OURSELVES THAT ITS SOMEHOW GETTING BETTER. SQUEAKY FROMME WASNT AS DELUDED AS WE ARE

CHRIST THERES JUST TOO MANY MOMENTS TO CHOOSE FROM. DAN ORLOVSKY TRYING TO MAKE A PLAY FROM ROW 14 IN SECTION 100 AT THE FUCKING METRODOME. STEFAN LOGAN FIELDING A FREE KICK BY TAKING A KNEE ON THE FOUR FUCKING YARD LINE LIKE A FUCKING DUNCE. TITUS YOUNG LOSING HIS ANTIPSYCHOTICS AND GOING ON SOME FUCKING BIZARRE CRIME SPREE THAT MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN DIRECTED BY NEVELDINE/TAYLOR. TATUM BELL GETTING SHITCANNED THEN STEALING HIS TEAMMATES LUGGAGE ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR IN A CRIME SO FUCKING PETTY THAT PAULIE GUALTIERI WOULD BLANCH. THIS IS A TEAM WITH A CULTURE SO FUCKED UP THAT ONE OF THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINEMEN IN OUR TEAM HISTORY PROUDLY DECLARED THAT HE REPEATEDLY LET HIS QB GET DEMOLISHED BECAUSE HE DIDNT LIKE THE GUY. AND THIS WAS BACK WHEN WE ACTUALLY MADE THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS ON A REGULAR BASIS IF YOUR IMAGINATION CAN CONJURE SUCH A CIRCUMSTANCE. THATS OUR LIONS: EVEN WHEN THEYRE FLAILING ON THE CUSP OF GREATNESS THEY STILL FIND TIME TO BACKBITE AND FUMBLEFUCK AROUND. WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FUCK UP AND LET EVERYBODY DOWN. JUST DISAPPOINT BABY!

DRAFT PICKS BURNED LIKE AUTUMN LEAVES. CHARLES ROGERS CAPS HIS 12-GAME PROFESSIONAL CAREER BY THREATENING TO MURDER HIS MOTHER AND PASSING OUT IN HIS BOOTH AT ON THE BORDER IN NOVI LIKE A FUCKING WINO. MIKE WILLIAMS SPENDS TWO YEARS FATTING AROUND IN DETROIT BEFORE GETTING FOLDED INTO A DOGSHIT TRADE WITH OAKLAND THAT ILLUSTRATED THE CONCEPT OF SUNK COST BETTER THAN ANY ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK EVER FUCKING COULD. AND ROY WILLIAMS AFTER ALL HIS LOUDMOUTH BULLSHIT HIS MOST ENDURING CONTRIBUTION TO NFL HISTORY IS CALVIN JOHNSONS NON-SEQUITUR NICKNAME. AND ALL THE WHILE WERE DICKING AROUND WITH THESE LOSERS ANDRE JOHNSON AND DEMARCUS WARE ARE DOWN IN TEXAS RACKING UP ALLPRO HONORS LIKE REGGIE ROGERS RACKS UP VEHICULAR HOMICIDES AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS THE ALL-SEEING ALL-RAPING RINGBEARING FOOTBALL GOD OF YINZERLAND. THE MIND REELS

EVEN THE GOOD PICKS ARE WASTED IN THAT SPECIAL DETROIT WAY. MATTHEW STAFFORD? SURE THE FUCKING GUY LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE OUT LOOKING FOR ONE EYED WILLIES TREASURE BUT THE FACT IS HES THE FIRST LIONS QUARTERBACK IN DECADES THATS WORTH A BENT DICK AND YET SOMEHOW AFTER FOUR YEARS IN THE LEAGUE AND A COUPLE SEASONS OF MONSTER STATS AND A PLAYOFF APPEARANCE HIS CAREER HIGHLIGHT REMAINS THAT TIME IN HIS ROOKIE YEAR WHEN HE PEELED HIMSELF OFF THE FIELD TO GET THE WIN IN A SHOOTOUT WITH BRADY FUCKING QUINN OF ALL FUCKING CLIPBOARD STANDS. IT WAS A FEAT OF HEROISM SO BOLD AND SO MEANINGLESS IT WAS LIKE RUNNING INTO A BURNING BUILDING TO SAVE A GOLDFISH. WE WENT 2-14 THAT YEAR AND WE STILL TALK ABOUT THAT GAME LIKE IT WAS OUR PERSONAL FUCKING SEA OF HANDS

AND CALVIN JOHNSON. NOWHERE DO GODS LOOK AS HELPLESS AS THEY DO IN DETROIT. SURE WE WERE ALL PISSED WHEN THAT FRECKLED FUCKSTICK JON GRUDEN SAID CJS RECORDBREAKING SEASON LAST YEAR WAS GARBAGE BUT REALLY HE MAYBE KINDA HAD A LITTLE BIT OF SOMETHING OF SORT OF A FUCKING POINT. WHAT GOOD IS BEING ONE OF THE BEST PLAYERS IN THE LEAGUE WHEN YOUR GAMES DONT MEAN SHIT AND YOURE NEVER GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL? SHIT JUST ASK BARRY SANDERS. GREATEST RUNNING BACK IN THE HISTORY OF THE FUCKING GAME AND THE LIONS DROVE HIM RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF FOOTBALL ALTOGETHER

COACHES COME TO DETROIT TO FUCKING DIE AND OFTEN RIGHTLY SO. THAT FUCKING IMBECILE MARTY MORNHINWEG FOR INSTANCE. FUCKING GUY WINNING THE COIN TOSS THEN STUPEFUCKINGFYINGLY GIVING THE MOTHERFUCKING BALL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING BEARS WHO OF COURSE PROMPTLY SCORE. HE SHOULDVE BEEN COURT-MARTIALED AND EXECUTED RIGHT THEN AND FUCKING THERE. EITHER THEN OR THAT TIME HE MADE SOME BIG PRODUCTION OF ROARING OUT OF PRACTICE ON HIS HARLEY LIKE HE WAS CLAY FUCKING MORROW AND NOT SOME OVERPROMOTED DIPSHIT WITH NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER MANNING THE CAPTAINS WHEEL. I CAN SCARCELY DREAM UP A MORE FITTING HELL FOR AN ASSHOLE LIKE THAT THAN BEING TASKED WITH UNTANGLING THE LOW RENT QUARTERBACK CLUSTERFUCK IN THE JETS CAMP

THEN IT WAS STEVE MARIUCCI. THE MITT ROMNEY OF NFL COACHES. THAT BLAND WEATHERMAN VENEER OF COMPETENCE WITH THE UNMISTAKABLE AIR OF A MAN WHO WOULD RATHER BE ANYFUCKINGPLACE ELSE. DUDE ONLY CAME TO DETROIT AS A FAVOR TO HIS FAT STUPID FRIEND WHO WAS TOO FUCKING DUMB TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS HIMSELF. KINDA LIKE NED STARK. TURNED OUT ABOUT THE SAME WAY FOR HIM TOO

AFTER THAT WAS MARINELLI BRINGING THE KIND OF DARK ARITHMETIC THAT TRANSFORMS 6-2 TO 7-9 TO 0-16. ILL GIVE HIM PROPS FOR MAKING JON KITNA HIS GUY THOUGH. I MEAN SHIT YOU HAD TO LIKE KITNA. JUST A SCRAPPY MOTHERFUCKER WITH A LOT OF BALLS AND A LOT LESS TALENT WHO COULD TAKE A HELL OF A BEATING AND TALK REGRETTABLE SHIT WITH THE BEST OF THEM. HE REMINDED ME OF MIKEY WHIPWRECK. EXCEPT MIKEY ACTUALLY WON A CHAMPIONSHIP

NOW ITS COACH SCHWARTZ SWIRLING DOWN THE DRAIN. HE TAKES HIS FASHION CUES FROM THE DOG WHISPERER AND ALL HE THINKS ABOUT ON GAMEDAY IS WHETHER HE SHOULD LISTEN TO BILLY SQUIER OR THE FUCKING SCORPIONS AND HE SWEATS AND STAMMERS THROUGH EVERY FUCKING PRESS CONFERENCE LIKE HES AFRAID WHOOPI GOLDBERG IS GONNA TELL DEMI MOORE THAT HE HIRED WILLIE LOPEZ TO MURDER HIS BEST FRIEND PATRICK SWAYZE. BUT AT LEAST HIS HEARTS IN IT. AND THAT PASSIONS GONNA SERVE HIM WELL IN A YEAR AFTER HES SCORED THAT PLUM ASSISTANT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR GIG WITH THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

SURE THEYRE MOVING SOME PIECES INTO PLACE THIS YEAR. THEYRE SHORING UP THE SECONDARY THEYVE DONE A HALF DECENT JOB OF REBUILDING THE OFFENSIVE LINE AND THEY MADE SOME SMART FREE AGENT SIGNINGS ESPECIALLY COMPARED TO THAT BULLSHIT "NAH MAN WERE GOOD" OFFSEASON FOLLOWING THE 2011 SEASON. AND OF COURSE CALVIN JOHNSON IS AS INDOMITABLE AS EVER. BUT SEE NONE OF THIS MATTERS. THESE ARE THE DETROIT FUCKING LIONS WERE TALKING ABOUT. EVEN IF ITS THE BEST CASE SCENARIO EVEN IF MY EVERY LAST FUCKING ROCKHARD REGULAR SEASON FANTASY COMES TRUE IN THE END SOMEHOW THEY WILL UNDO IT ALL. THEYLL FIGURE IT OUT. THEYLL FIND A WAY. STAFFORD COULD THROW FOR 5500 YARDS CALVIN JOHNSON COULD BREAK A DOZEN MORE RECORDS FAIRLEY AND SUH COULD TERRORIZE QBS LIKE A COUPLE OF FUCKING RHINOCEROSES EVERY WEEK AND THEY COULD BATTER THEIR WAY TO AN 12-4 RECORD AND THEY WILL STILL GET BOUNCED IN THE FIRST ROUND BY THE PHILADELPHIA FUCKING EAGLES OR SOME OTHER JUST-GLAD-TO-BE-HERE NO-SHOT SHIT SQUAD IN A DEADLY DULL 10-3 DETROIT DOGFUCKING. BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO THE DETROIT LIONS THERE IS NO FAIRY TALE. THE COACH IS A PUMPKIN AND CINDERELLAS JUST A DUMB WHORE IN RAGS. ITS ALL JUST A BIG JERKOFF. A SADISTIC FUCKING TORTURE GAME PUT ON FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF MILLIONAIRES WITH MISTER RICTUS HIMSELF WILLIAM CLAY FUCKING FORD SENIOR PULLING THE STRINGS. HA HA MADE YA CARE!

UGH. FUCKING LIONS


YOURS TRULY

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER
Location: DETROIT
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